As a kid I dabbled in every activity available to me. Sports, music, choir, karate, 4-H, sewing, figure skating, invention fairs, summer camps, and the list goes on. This exploration was good and something I enjoyed. I gained insights into myself, learned new skills, and cultivated teamwork.

Along the way I found myself move away from doing a variety of things and focusing more on school sports and music. What started out as enjoyment become an intensified drive to achieve. I enjoyed the activities, and I wanted to be good at them. The pressure I put on myself to be “good” weighed heavy, and instead of continuing to run toward what I loved, I started to run away from a fear of failure.

This pressure was something I learned to internalize and manage with people-pleasing behaviors. I learned to work hard to get better and succeed (which is not a bad lesson to learn), but the need to achieve drowned out my sense of who I was and why I was doing it. It wasn’t about being the best I could be, but rather it became a measure of self-worth and value.

This pattern of hard work and a de-prioritization of my own sense of joy was something I brought with me through college and my adult life. I focused so much on success or ‘being good’ – working hard to get good grades, internships, experiences, etc. At some point, I morphed the things I enjoyed into such a singular focus on achieving that I forgot I enjoyed them. I often forgot why I was doing them in the first place. I had lost my passions, focus, and the zest for trying new things that I had as a child. I would find myself with ‘glimpses’ of this former self as I tried new things while I traveled, but it was never something I brought into my adult life in a sustainable way.

Losing Myself

Through this ‘achievement phase’ I lost touch with myself, and ultimately lost my voice, or how I express myself in the world.

In this achievement phase of my life, I would often bully myself and tell myself I wasn’t good enough. This self-bullying tactic both motivated me and made me feel horrible and unworthy at the same time. During this time, I was in a constant achievement cycle and amped up my work ethic to just work harder so that I could be ‘good’, but burnt myself out in the process (in more ways than one).

Burning Out

Burnout has happened several different times for me throughout my adult life. I have experienced activity burnout when I was over-involved in things I didn’t care about, job burnout when I worked too many hours or traveled too often, parenting burnout when I wasn’t caring for myself after the birth of my daughter (also known as survival mode), and change burnout when our family went through massive change and stress at the same time.

 Any time I am trying to ‘be good’ to achieve something (some milestone or role I am playing), there is usually a burnout period that comes not too far behind. Burnout happens for me because I stop caring for myself, and stop prioritizing joy as an aspect of achieving my goals.

Noticing the Pattern

 Seeing this pattern and how it has evolved throughout my life has been immensely valuable. This did not happen overnight. I have had to make ‘the same mistakes’ several times, each time at a different awareness level, to be able to identify it as a pattern. Once I identified it, I had the power to make changes in my life, to try not to fall into it over and over again. I didn’t want this pattern ‘to just be the way I am’. I wanted to shift so that I was able to live life more purposely.

 Once I started noticing this pattern, I started searching for ways to break free of it. It was around this time that I received Life Activation and Full Spirit Activation to help bring more joy into my life and re-pattern my thoughts and actions more easily.

The Shift

While I am not perfect, I feel myself shifting. I am practicing saying to myself instead of ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘this action is the best I have in this moment – that is good enough, and therefore I am good enough’. I am working on forgiving my younger self for building this ‘not good enough’ prison I have lived in. I am also working on returning to activities that bring me joy and allow me to express my gifts, and therefore my full self.

For years I’ve talked about how much I miss singing,  and how I would love to get back into it. I half-heartedly looked into choirs and lessons, but never committed. This year for Christmas my husband bought me a voice lesson package, without asking, to push me to take action. I was nervous. It felt incredibly vulnerable to go from not singing much at all to diving into individual lessons. I put off calling and scheduling my lesson for 4 months because of this, but again, my husband pushed me to call and it has been one of the best things I have done for myself in years.

My voice coach is also extremely funny and cuts my frustration and tension with humor, which helps me to enjoy the lessons and not take myself too seriously. For the first time while singing, I am actually not trying ‘to be good’, but trying to strengthen my vocal muscles, flex the power of my voice, and sing with JOY! I walk away from every lessons learning something new about myself – whether it be an old pattern, or my untapped potential.

Things my voice coach is teaching me:

• To get out of my comfort zone by pushing through my awkward discomfort. I think this is one of her favorite lessons as she is continually pushing me through challenging exercises. Each time, my mind will say ‘I can’t do that’ and each time she pushes me through the discomfort and self-doubt and shows me that wow, I actually can.

• That I have vast untapped potential. She is constantly pushing me to surprise myself. I truly never thought I was good enough or that my voice could ‘sound like that’. She sees the potential within me that I cannot see in myself and pushes me through uncomfortable exercises to see glimpses of what could be.

• It’s okay, and actually good to fail. I can’t tell you how many times she tells me to ‘let go of control’ because one of the things I have trained myself to do is to be ‘perfect’. I have trained myself to control my voice, tone and muscles in a way that made me feel like I was making myself sound ‘good’. This actually sacrificed the the power and unique beauty of my voice. I was so scared to be ‘off pitch’ or not considered ‘good’ that I kept myself in a box that wasn’t serving my potential. In letting go of control, I end up failing many times during my lessons. What’s new is that I am actually enjoying that failure, because it is through that failure that I am progressing, learning, and building a more solid vocal foundation.

• Love the gift I have been given. My voice is a gift given to me by God. I cannot compare this gift with the gift he has given others. I spent the majority of my life comparing my gift with others and only looking at the inadequacies of it – having a large break, not liking the tone and quality of my chest voice, not having a loud / projecting voice, etc. I focused so much on what I didn’t have that I couldn’t see what I did have. I am finding that I have a beautiful pitch, I can sing with power and volume, and I can even sing songs on my break (may still need a bit more practice here). She encourages me to love the gift of my voice, to not compare myself to others, to see the unique qualities and to focus on developing myself toward my goals.

While voice lessons was the format that helped me start to heal and find joy in singing again, it doesn’t have to be voice lessons. This could be any unexplored gift you have or activity you love. These learnings can truly be applied to anyone.

Expressing Yourself to bring your Gifts to the World

What I have learned throughout this process is that our gifts are unique, sacred, and amazing. We may not understand them, or even view them as gifts all of the time, but they are given to us for a reason. I encourage everyone to explore finding their gifts or finding the things that allow them to unlock, express or develop them. I may not know yet what exactly my vocal gift is for beyond my own personal joy at this point, but I am committed to exploring it as I know it was not given to me by accident.

One of my favorite quotes is from Marianne Williamson (which I came to know through Nelson Mandela):

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

My hope for all of us is that we stop comparing ourselves to others and start connecting with our gifts. It is our gifts, or our light, that often are the most frightening. However, we are not ‘being good’ or serving the world by playing small, ignoring them, or telling ourselves that this gift is not enough. We are meant to shine these gifts with confidence and humility, because as we do this we are giving others the permission to find their gifts and do the same. The celebration of authenticity and uniqueness is where our gifts lie. By stopping the comparison game, healing our wounds, and being our true selves in the world, we bring unity and peace as it inspires others to do so as well.