If you understand relationships, I truly believe you understand life.

True or False?

• Relationships are work.
• Relationships help me grow.
• I don’t have time for a relationship.
• Relationships aren’t worth it.

Answer true or false based on how you feel about these statements above.

Go ahead… try it.

Okay, good! Now, I’m going to answer these statements as true or false, and share why I love relationships.

I’ve always enjoyed being in relationships with people. I like engaging, getting to know people and sharing this experience of life with others.

I am grateful for all kinds of relationships with:

• Colleagues
• Sisters and other family members
• Son
• Husband
• Friends
• People I work with: students and clients
• Neighbors, my son’s teacher, etc…

I have had my fair share of challenges when it comes to any of these relationships, but I’ve never given up. I value what relationships bring into my life. It can make your life so much more fulfilling when you surround yourself with beautiful relationships.

So let’s continue with some truths or falsehoods about relationships.

True or False: Relationships are work.

Truth. But it is worth it!

This is true for any relationship. Whether you want to improve your connection with a family member, romantic partner or colleague – relationships take effort!

To assume it should just happen with ease is only going to cause frustration.

When an issue in a relationship arises – you have a choice to make:
Act out of love
Or act out of wounding, which is likely caused by some deeper fear.

The easy way out is to have your button pushed by someone else and then act in a negative behavior pattern. There are a number of ways that you can act when triggered:

• Blame them.
• Retreat and say nothing.
• Say something rude.
• Cut them out of your life

An overall theme here is that you will feel justified in your actions, and deflect any personal responsibility for it.

So how do you shift this?

Know yourself well enough to know your pattern of behavior when you are triggered.
Stop. Press the pause button. And ask yourself, “What would love do? How can I act in an empowered way?”

Sometimes that means having firm boundaries and not letting someone walk all over you. Other times it means apologizing for your behavior. Learn from it and move on.

The real work in relationships is self-work.

One consistent truth about relationships: Our expectations in relationships are based on our emotional attachments.

This means we are dependent on someone’s behavior to feel a certain way about ourselves.

“He just doesn’t understand me.”
“He is emotionally unavailable”.
“She makes me feel like I’m invisible”
“You make me so mad, because you’re not helping me enough.”

Have you found yourself saying something along those lines before?
We have all been there, but let’s take a look at the deeper work of relationships.

No one can “make me feel unworthy” or “not loveable” or “less than”.
All relationships require self-work.

Fill in the blank:

Ultimately I need to give ____ to myself. Whatever “it” is.

• If you don’t feel understood by someone in a relationship:

Where do you need to understand yourself more?

• If you feel a lack of connection or emotional vulnerability with a partner:

How do you practice being vulnerable with others regardless of the attachment you have to how that person responds? Being attached to the response is putting the control outside of yourself. You are in control, based on the love that you give yourself regardless of how others respond.

• If you feel invisible or like someone doesn’t value you.

How are you not accepting your own worth?

• If you’re mad because your partner isn’t helping with x, y, z.

Where are you lacking self-care? Are you so depleted and lacking ways to fill your own tank that you are now relying on your partner to do things for you to make you feel a certain way?

Are you ready to let go of the emotional attachment?

Relationships are consistently like holding up a giant mirror in front of yourself. If we want to be loved we must love ourselves. It’s always a choice to act out of love rather than acting out of the knee-jerk reaction. “That person” doesn’t define you. You define your experience in relationships, based on how you treat yourself.

Now all of this said, boundaries are huge in relationships. You can’t control the other person. You can only control how you respond. If you are responding out of a place of balance and no emotional attachment, then perhaps it’s time to move on or set a firm boundary in that relationship. However, you can only do this when you are acting out of love for yourself, and not from a place of emotional attachment.

True or False:

Relationships teach you about life.

Truth. You can learn so much from being in relationship with others. I went through a period of time in my life when the going got tough in relationships – I wanted to bail as fast as I could. I decided to retreat. I didn’t want to put myself out there if this is what relationships are like.

However, I quickly learned that it was only hurting myself. Closing myself off to the world to feel safe was blocking my ability to engage in life.

Relationships are one of our biggest teachers. There is a process of alchemy that takes place in relationships. Sometimes relationships bring to light the darkness that I didn’t want to look at within myself. However, I learn and grow by allowing this alchemy to take place.

Often it takes self-discipline to harness our will and move through our personal challenges in relationships. We are not going to grow without this self-discipline. This actually gives us freedom to expand ourselves in relationships!

I have personally found the tools from the Empower Thyself Initiation and the Universal Kabbalah to be keys in helping me harness my will to heal, grow and manifest new relationships.

It is through awareness of my thoughts that I redefine my relationships. Rather than closing myself off, to others. I choose to give of myself in relationships.

If you want to have a friend – be a friend. Don’t wait for others to start reaching out. Take action and engage with people! What is the worst thing that can happen? If it doesn’t work immediately. Keep trying! Re-frame any negative thoughts and keep going!

Ralph Waldo Emerson, “The only way to have a friend is to be a friend.”

True or False: I don’t have time for a relationship.

False. It’s a decision to be in a relationship. No matter how busy you are or not. You can choose to be in one or not be in one. It may require re prioritizing your schedule, but it is possible. Don’t make time the excuse.

Instead ask yourself, “Why do I believe that to be true?” By saying it’s a lack of time you are saying it’s not of value to you. Why is that? Only you will know. Start being honest with yourself.

If you feel drained by relationships – is it because you are losing your “self” in relationships? Are you giving so much of yourself or wearing different masks in different relationships in an attempt to please everyone that you have lost yourself?

True or False:

Relationships aren’t worth it.

False. Based on everything I have shared, I believe they are absolutely worth it!

Let’s recap how relationships can add value:

• Relationships with family, friends, co-workers, romantic partners have the potential to bring us so much joy!
• Set an intention to improve your relationships or build new relationships.
• Start with the relationship with yourself. It is the #1 key to having fulfilling relationships with others. (And if you want to deepen your relationship to the beauty of who you are – check out this article about expressing your inner beauty)

Remember: relationships can show us aspects of ourselves that we don’t like.

This awareness is essential to our growth! Choosing to avoid people in general is not the best idea, because we limit our interactions, and ultimately are choosing to avoid having to confront aspects within ourselves.

Make it a goal to enjoy the relationship you have with yourself.

Be your own best friend. Practice loving kindness with yourself. Take yourself on uplifting, joy-filled dates. As a result you will have more fulfillment in relationship with others.

(Scroll down for “The Rose Meditation: Enhance Your Relationship with Self”)

The Rose Meditation:

Purpose: To Enhance Your Relationship with Yourself
By Sarah Smriga

Sit upright in a comfortable chair
Gently close your eyes
Take a couple of deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.

Imagine the most beautiful rose you have ever seen. Use all of your senses to engage with this rose.
What color is it? How does it smell?
Whether you see it or have a knowing that it is there, use your imagination to make it real.

Gaze into the petals of this rose. See the rose for its infinite beauty.
You are the beauty of the rose. Match your inner beauty to the beauty of the rose.
Appreciate yourself the way you would appreciate this rose.

Begin sensing your heart opening and expanding with infinite love for yourself.
Connect to the rose and ask it to help you expand your heart, opening it more.
Once you’ve established this heart-opening connection to self love: set an intention for how you wish to improve this relationship with yourself.
Let go of all expectations about being in relationship with others.
Become the rose. See this rose expand and surround you.
Connect to the essence of the rose as an extension of your beauty.
Value, honor and love yourself for who you are.

Tip: You’re welcome to use a rose essential oil to remind you of this meditation, and your intention to enhance your relationship with yourself. As a result, your relationships with thrive!