Parenting is hard. It’s hard work to raise little humans in this world. There are so many things we have to do and be at any given moment. We are teachers, chauffeurs, comforters, playmates, chefs, disciplinarians (and the list goes on…). We are no longer just living for ourselves alone, but responsible for other lives in a big way.

It’s a lot of pressure sometimes to think that my actions with and toward my daughter will shape her thoughts, patterns, and beliefs toward herself. Sometimes this responsibility is compounded by our own personal struggles as humans, balancing many responsibilities: work-life, home-life, paying bills, relationships, and adulting in general…and sometimes it feels like it’s too much.

Survival Mode

When we feel overwhelmed and like things are too much, many of us go into ‘Survival Mode’. This looks different for everyone, but for me it means emotional eating (I love anything made from a potato), insomnia, and complete lack of self-care.

In ‘survival mode’, I am literally existing from day to day to ‘get through’. In survival mode, I am not at my best self, which means I am not at my best parenting my daughter. I am emotional and sleep deprived, which means I have less patience to deal with toddler mood swings, and less energy to deal with the neediness that a toddler requires. Bottom line: when I don’t take care of myself, I am not at my best to take care of my daughter.

When I’m not at my best, I have little capacity to truly feel the connection and JOY that my daughter brings into my life. I may feel tiny ‘blips’ of joy while in this survival mode, but nothing like what I can feel when I am taking care of myself.

Self-Care is Not Selfish

For those who think self-care as a parent is selfish, based on a brief outline of my experience outlined above, I can tell you first-hand that it is not…as this article from Psychology Today points out, it’s essential!

Self-care isn’t putting the needs of your child below yours, and only taking care of yourself, but rather it’s about finding pockets of time and energy to care for and work on yourself, so that you are refreshed and energized to be fully present for your child. It is giving yourself the time to recharge so you can be the best parent (and person) you can be. By finding these pockets of time, you are able to get out of survival mode and truly thrive.

 I have found my most joy-filled parenting experiences are when I am finding balance in taking care of myself so that I can be energized and there for my daughter. This is when I put my devices away and create with her in the moment. When I meet her where she is at, with compassion and understanding, even in her most trying and difficult emotions.

Self-care positively affects every aspect of my life; it isn’t just parenting that gets better, but my relationship with my husband, co-workers, family, and life in general gets better.

Joy is Possible & Contagious

Have you ever watched a child play? They are uninhibited, free, silly, creative, and pure magicians with how they can turn common everyday items into anything they need to create their world around them.

 They are completely in touch with accessing joy so easily and freely. I love the quote by Maria Montessori that says “play is the work of the child”. According to Parents.com, it is one of the most important things a child can do. Any early childhood education specialist or teacher could tell you, children take play very seriously. I know from my own experience playing with my daughter that she is very serious about fun, silliness, and will help direct you if you aren’t playing hard enough.

When I am in ‘survival mode’, I don’t have capacity or patience to play hard with my daughter. I am unable to let go of what is required to do this. When I am caring for myself and feeling balanced, I can easily and mindfully set aside time to be fully present. Presence is required for play and for joy.

Recently, I have been working to carve out undistracted time with my daughter where we go on ‘adventures’, even if in our house, yard, or neighborhood. During these times I try to put aside anything else that is going on. I put away my phone (often making many of these adventures undocumented), I go along with her imagination and creativity, and try to be as free as she is. This fully present, imaginative, creative, free place is where JOY lives. As adults, we have been conditioned to ‘be responsible’, logical, and ‘grown up’. This serves us in some areas of our life (as we need to find ways to financially take care of ourselves and sometimes others), but it really squashes our ability to experience JOY.

Definition of JOY

If you are confused or unfamiliar with what I mean by JOY, joy is not the same as happiness. Joy is not something that can be bought and is sometimes hard to explain. According to the Modern Mystery School lineage, joy is not an emotion. It is a state of being. Joy is deeper than a feeling or an emotion. Joy flows when we are living in alignment with who we truly are, expressing ourselves in the world with a sense of purpose. Joy is a force of creation. When we live from a foundation of joy, we create a life in alignment with our personal truth.

Joy doesn’t mean being happy all the time. Joy can be with you in sorrow and pain. Joy is how you move through the world, understanding who you are on a deeper level, assisting you to navigate the challenges of life. Joy helps us to find the deeper meaning and sense of purpose in all of life’s experiences. It helps us to let go of what doesn’t matter, and cherish the things that are meaningful.

This definition makes so much sense to me because when I experience joy (no matter the circumstance), it is a force that immediately shifts my mood, fills me completely, and lights me up from the inside out. Joy as a force will radiate from you, spill out of you, and be contagious for others.

If you are around a person or group of people that are experiencing joy, it’s hard not to be affected by it because it is a force that you experience. Joy can be experienced while doing service for others, during hard work, or in times of sorrow or stress. Joy as a force is unlimited. When we are able to access joy, we are able to truly show up in every moment (no matter the circumstance) in the best possible way. Joy helps us to elevate and heighten our experiences.

Accessing joy has allowed me to shift how I parent. It allows the good moments to be even better and the challenging moments to be more manageable. The best thing that happens when I am experiencing joy in moments of extreme frustration while parenting, is that I know I am showing up with more compassion to meet my daughter’s needs in that moment (this isn’t always the case, but is the goal!). All of those moments will create a solid foundation for her to live her best life in joy as she grows. When we live from a place of joy, we positively affect the world around us, as this force creates a ripple for others.

Self-Care Paves the Road to Joy

If you don’t feel like you have a lot of joy in your life, you may be wondering how to get there. How can I have more joy?  The best place to start experiencing joy is being present and ‘clearing out the clutter’.  Here are some ideas to get started:

• Breathe – start simply by breathing deeply to shift into the present. It’s hard to be in joy when we are racing around, stressed, and distracted by all of the things we are doing. By simply breathing and focusing on ‘re-centering’ ourselves (even as we work through our tasks), we will have the capacity to do those things with joy.

• Make a ‘Road to Joy’ Plan or Vision Board – brainstorm and put a vision board or plan in place to create a practice that allows for more joy in your daily life.

• Get outside – set aside time for a 20 min walk at lunch or after work.

• Put down your phone – set boundaries for when you will be available online. Put your phone in a cupboard for an hour so you aren’t checking it.

• Exercise – to move your body and feel more present.

• Get a Massage – to help your body relax.

• Attend a cooking class (or other type of class) – to learn a new skill.

• Develop a meditation practice – to support your mental and emotional wellbeing.

• Schedule a healing session – to support your overall well being and spark new growth and movement in alignment with your joy. The Life Activation session was instrumental for me to help me re-establish a connection to joy in my life.

• Schedule a ‘present date’ with a friend, partner, or your child, where you turn your phone off, aren’t thinking of the plan or something that happened in the past, but just creating with them in that moment. It may feel odd, or weird at first, but embrace it and see where it takes you.

This ability to shift into the present and clear your time, schedule, space, and mind to ‘just be’ is where joy lives. It is through our uninterrupted connection with ourselves and those around us that we are able to connect to this feeling. The more we care for ourselves, spend time with others, and fuel this connection, the more we will start experiencing joy more often in both small and big ways in our lives.

My Challenge to YOU

So, if you are thinking you need more joy, I challenge you to get tactical. Brainstorm, create a plan, and the most important thing…take ACTION! Try some things and see how they work. You will know what works and what doesn’t by what you experience and how you feel it’s force.

If you have the intuitive sense, or gut feeling that you need to take the day off on your birthday and have a ‘me day’ filled with self-care, do it! If you have the sense that you need have a dance party while cooking dinner at night, do it! If you feel like you need to rid yourself from technology for an hour (or more) a day, do it! If you feel like you need to take guitar lessons because you’ve always wanted to and never made time to, do it! If you feel like you need to just sign up to volunteer at a local organization that helps those in need, do it!

 The point is, it’s time to get over whatever is holding you back or distracting you. To do this, you have to break the cycle you are currently in. So, I challenge you to try something new (see list of ideas above), do something you haven’t done in a long time (something you loved as a child), be intentional and put a plan in place by taking a quiet moment to reflect and see what can be improved (in your current situation – time, budget, schedule, etc.). There is always something that can be done, we just need to get ourselves out of the way long enough to do it. Start small and build where you can. By simply acting and doing, you will experience JOY more frequently with HUGE results in your life.